Will My Ex-Narcissist Treat His New Girlfriend Better?

This is all the familiar they hook u in and then cut you down,I’m just going through all this now how do you know they are a narcissis? He hurt me so many ways used me, verbally abused thought he could be on dating apps while he was with me it went on for 3 yrs it’s my fault I walked away few times one minute he loved me the next hated me but had a new supply he has quit his job moved out of the area and moved in with her he told me he loved me December in Jan he had gone with her, I was hurt but I’m also trying to heal, he pressured me to move in with him because i had commitments he hated me found new person so it may all be roses with her he never did anything with me never took me out never did a bday,valentine’s day,I also bought him and his kids gifts s but apparently sh loves them as hell own blah blah blah I’ve had enough of it all I don’t want to be anxious this is the tip of the iceberg

He cheated with a far, less attractive with thick eyeglasses, heavy smoker, and with kids from different men.

I am just wondering about saving the new girlfriend. I want to spare her what is inevitable. Since the relationship is new, she will not believe me and will think I am jealous and want him back. That is the furthest thing from the truth! I realize it could be humiliating, but I am driven to give her the insight I wish I would have had. If anyone would have given me any hint that he was abusive it would have helped me to get away and prevent financial ruin and physical abuse. What do you recommend on this, Kim? I have not said anything so far, but when the subject is brought up I always think about it. I do not feel guilty for not doing so, but should I?

Not sure if the author will see this but, how do you grasp this: my ex narcs new supply, aka “just his friend” reached out to me. She KNOWS everything and I even warned her not to get involved. Yet he still dragged her and I through the triangulation cycle. We had agreed to both stop, and once I pulled back (13 years invested) she saw that as her winning his full attention and now more in love with him. She’s 22…..i am 34. He is 35!! Now they’re together, I’m out of thr picture and I feel sick and resentful. She knows he’s an abuser and she still wants him and I’ve been having to go thru the discard phase by both of these people now. My ex of 13 years and his new 22 year old side peace. Also. She is not am upgrade for his “type” he’s extremely shallow. Refuses to call her his gf but does everything a bf would do an benefit from. Smh…when does it stop feeling like there’s a Boulder on my chest and hard to breath.

They dont always pick pretty ones. My ex left me for a beast. She provided a nice place for him to live.

Mine too. Today he sent me a picture of his new girlfriend. She was half naked making that horrible duckface for the picture. How classy! NOT. He also went on to tell me how she never complains, watches his kids, has a job, cleans, and always has a meal ready for him when he gets home from his crappy job. It’s all about what she can do for him. I work and also in school so I didn’t have the time to cater to his every need. Plus, we were not living together. He was extremely mentally abusive, a liar, and exaggerated about everything. I was with him on and off 8 years and if he tries to come back again, it’s not happening.

[…] Love bombing is a huge tool he uses. Tenderness, humour, fucking smoking hot sex, to forge feelings of deep connection in the target of his latest affections. Constant messaging. Constant touch. Constant sex. […]

This is a much needed reminder. Thankyou. I was only with my ex for a year and it was hell, I don’t know how all these other women have done it for 5-40 years. Im two years out with no contact and still working on ridding the trauma bond. Much healing has happened since but still want to work on a few things. My ex is getting married to his new supply and I believe he has only been dating a month prior to the engagement. His doesn’t surprise me. He has been engaged to six different women that I know of, and he has fathered 6 children with four different women. I’m the fourth women. He tried to convince me
To marry him and multiple times through guilt, manipulation etc. Within two months me was trying not to get me to elope with him. When this didn’t work he tried to get me pregnant and succeeded. I guess his thought process was that I would stay and get married. Thankfully I have a wonderful family and support system. When the abuse escalated, I finally left and moved away. ( I moved away before but I still loved him but was in denial about some of the abuse so I was convinced after some time he may change and I will wakt it out than marry him, he didn’t of course so I finally left) he also had a new supply lined up. He hoovered me for a while saying he still loved me and our child and still wanted to marry me and than the threats came and I went completely no contact. Two weeks after he expressed he wanted to marry me, he flew the new supply out to see him. They became engaged a couple months after but had the same patterns. They were dating long distance. ( at this time I did struggle with no contact and checked his page. It killed me inside. ) a couple months later. She broke off the engagement and called him our on his abuse and control issues. No one believed her of course because he’s charming and a do Gooder in the public eye. He said she had anger issues and that’s he forgives her and like he did to me. Accused her of cheating. Their engagement was over. Than he tried to Hoover me again I was able to go completely no contact again. Than he tried to Hoover her again and succeeded in being her friend for a couple months. That ended. I hadn’t checked his social media for months and it wasn’t into this summer that I was tempted to take a peek. He’s now engaged to another woman. This time it didn’t destroy me not I felt horrible for her. I’m guessing he did over time control on her. Because having two engagements and one pregnancy in three years wouldn’t look good in his eyes or anyone else. I do struggle with those thoughts though that regardless of the evidence shown that he Ian abusive that I can’t help to think that maybe it was me and maybe i. did provoke him. I go over case by case of any flaws I may possess and it drives me crazy. But I belive that’s why it’s inpor to have a good support system in place to remind you od the abuser. Anyway I’m sorry for the long rant. But I appreciate this article. Thanks again.

My ex went back to his ex-wife within weeks of my discard. The discard was horrible. We had been together for over 2 years and he did it over the phone, the day before Valentine ’s Day, while he was on a business trip and before I knew if I had cancer or not. (Thank god, no cancer). He then continued to Hoover and I fell for it hook line and sinker. He told me he only went back to her because the kids said they should date again. He didn’t want to hurt the kids or her. He spent a lot of time with me so I believed him when he told me she was not making time for him and their schedules were so different. I continued to tell him that he needed to make a choice. He would tell me he loved her but was in love with me. He was just afraid of hurting her and damaging the relationship he had with his kids.

The final straw was on his daughter’s birthday. He texted me and told me he was going somewhere with his daughter that I knew you had to have tickets for months in advance. He said it was a spur of the moment thing. He said he was not going with the ex-wife that she was working. I called her job and found out that she was off that day. I texted him and told him that I knew she wasn’t working and that she was with him. Crickets is what I got as a response. The next day I called her at work and found out the extent of lies he told me and her. He told her that I was having a lot of problems since the break up and I wouldn’t leave him alone. Which was not true, he wouldn’t leave me alone. She also told me that they spent every weekend together. I told her that during the time they are spending together he is texting me and sending pictures of the kids to me. She had in fact spent the day with him and their daughter on her birthday. She told me that they started spending time together after our break up and he pursued her. The children never suggested they get back together. They even went to Vegas together 2 weeks after he discarded me. We had just gone to Vegas months before. She told me that she divorced him due to Emotional Abuse. He was painting such a pretty picture to her of our relationship that she thought he had changed. I advised her that the abuse was just as bad with me if not worse. He called me horrible names and would become so full of rage that he punched my wall one time. She told me he never called her names. I told her a lot of other stuff too. She is aware that he is drinking even more than before. He is and alcoholic on top of everything else. I felt horrible about contacting her. I did not want to hurt her but I needed to know the truth. She told me she has 26 years with the man and she wasn’t sure what she was going to do. I know that she is going to stay with him. He probably talked to her and turned all the lies into his truth. I even told her I had emails and text messages from him that said he didn’t want to be with her but she said she believed me. I feel sorry for her. She has no idea what she is in for. Or maybe she does and feels this time around she can handle it better.

He had made no attempt to apologize to me for all the lies. It doesn’t surprise me since I finally called him on his bull crap. He told me before, if I ever contacted his ex-wife that he would never talk to me again. He would say to me that it would hurt his kids. That was the only reason during the past 3 months I didn’t call her. But when I think about it now, he was using his kids in all the lies to me. He even missed Father’s day with them so we can go away. He told the ex-wife he had to leave early for a business trip.

I am almost 2 weeks with No Contact and I can finally breathe again. I am still fearful that he will get in contact with me again. I have blocked him but during the last discard he would show up at the house. I think if he stays with her he won’t contact me for fear I will let her know.

I know I have the strength to get over this. I am not as heartbroken as the first discard. I am going to work on myself and become the strong, and fun loving woman I was before I met him.

How do you heal after something so damaging? Why do I feel so broken while he is just fine?

This is 200% my ex narcs he discarded me in the cruelest way after 24 years of cooking, cleaning his dirty laundry and raising babies. He makes me sick and his new supply knew full well he was married she is also disgusting and NO morals.

I literally just laughed out loud with joy. This article is so fkn on pint for me right now!!!! Word for word. Thank you! Yes, his new supply is in la la land and believes that he is going to change for her. She has already moved him and his child into her home. She’s saving him. LOL. She thinks she is different. Thats what I thought too! Boy was I wrong! He told me that she does everything for him and shows him what a real woman can do. Notice the word “do”. yeah, its not about being with these guys its what you can do for them.

I’ve just come out of 36 years of abuse

This is awesome. I was literally fighting these “jealous” thoughts all day and this post popped up on my facebook feed. My ex moved on right away and got engaged 6 months later. They are in the process of buying a house “together” although he had no money and she is selling the house she owns to purchase the new house. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been jealous bc he seems to be putting forth all this effort with her and they are making all these big plans together. BUT it gently remind myself that it’s probably bc he is his eye on the prize! She’s there to cook, clean, fork out money and help him with our kids. She’s getting rid of her personal things to purchase joint items. Anytime I stand up to him or set a boundary, I have to hear about how I’m just a loser that’s upset that he left me and I need to move on. He throws her and his new life in my face any chance he gets. Anyway, maybe it will work out for them, who knows. I’m trying really really hard not to care either way, but this article is a good reminder that it’s not always what it seems!

i lived with a narcissist f or 25 years he discard me for younger woman, I am tortured by him and new married woman, i do not think that i will get over. narcissistic continually using verbal abuse.

This is excellent and 200% my husband as soon as I set a boundary on infedelity on his 50th birthday everything changed! He went ballistic!

My Ex Narcissist of 25 years went back with his ex girlfriend that he cheated on multiple times and choked her to nearly death. Are they both Narcissists?? Thank you God to give Strength to my Adorable Son and I to finally leave.

My Narcissist husband has been cheating on me, he now lives with his girlfriend and emails me he loves me and wants me back but he’s still living with his girlfriend. We are going through a divorce that I filled for as he doesn’t care he left me and our 3 boys. He keeps playing mind games and thinks I went out with someone. He said it turns him on kinda that he thinks o have been getting f _ ____ . What do I do I don’t want him I want a divorce

They say life isn’t text book… Except when it comes to living/dealing with narcs, here is the textbook.

I really needed to hear this! I know I made the right decision to leave ,but it was still bothering me to know he seems so happy with his new girlfriend.Now I see it’s just a facade.He’s fooling her like he did me.Now I feel sorry for her,but have to say I’m glad my babies and I got out of this abusive situation.Thank you for writing this!!!!

Broke up with my narc in 2014 after we had a baby. Turned out there was already someone else. They’ve since moved in together and pretend our daughter is theirs. I’m just getting into a relationship but it’s moving so slow I start to compare my relationship to my ex. How come he he deserves to be happy and not me. They have since moved in together. I guess he gets all the happiness and not me?

Kim, thank you so much for your helpful, wonderful articles! They, and the comments of the readers, are the only comfort I have. My friends are sick of hearing about my ex, they don’t understand why I just don’t get over it. Oh, if only it were that easy! I have tried over and over to stop checking the ex’s facebook page, all it ever does it hurt me. Seeing him all happy with the new woman, the pictures of her 4000 sq.ft. house, the vacation pictures, ugh! Why do I keep doing this to myself??? And the irony of it all, the new woman is a therapist! WTF? I think my biggest problem is seeing him so happy, and bragging, he seems to have hit it big, and I am still stuck in pain. I couldn’t even imagine having another relationship right now. It’s the fact that he replaced me so easily, and so quickly, as if I were nothing. I now know it seems as if he didn’t care because he truely never cared. Is been nine months since we broke up, six months since I have ignored his wimpy texts. When does it start to get better???

as I read these posts I see the commom thread any age, guy/girl NARCS dont change….
we will nevr get closure or understanding, or get their pattern of just moving on!
still we think is this new supply it for them? its supply for thheir need, they might stay longer yes, but they don’t feel they just kp gng, gng…
force yourself to go forward, the NARC is done w/you, period…
they have no type, no values, no morals they tweek just a bit for new supplys, period…. they haven’t changed!!!!!!
they do the same, same over&over!!!!!
7yrs ex bf NARC, BLINDSIDED an poof thanks bbye not in so many words but basically that…
they always have a bk up, always contacts in their ph, SM accts, Fakebook, what’s app, tango they’re on all of them, period…. Make no mistake ABT that…. Its a mirage, believe me!!!!
N/C that’s only insult you can give them
if they contact DNT respond, if they DNT contact you, its ok, better!!!!
stay off SM! delete, block, get rid of stuff they gve you, box it up OUTA sight!!!!!
they don’t think ABT you, evryday 24 7 ABT them100%
lesson learned! heal, fix yourself!!! do stuff for you…
YOULL hve a aha moment, you feel indifference toward them…. DNT gve them the satisfaction of contact, go off the radar, vanish!!!!
all that GLITTERS isn’t gold….
good days bad days, yes! get through it
were worth it!!!!
THYRE hollow miserable, period…
let em’ go!!!!!!
strength peace courage!!!!!!!
it wl cme BK around, period
Remember actions speak louder than words!!!!!

Well …what can I said!! I do apologise for my spelling but English it is not my first language.
I am feeling better to know that i want crazy and there are people like me!! it did made me feel so much better, it is like a relief ..
we all have been in the boat and sadly sometimes life gave you experiences that we are not ready to deal with. I believe all happens for are reason and now I will look what the reason to suffered this on my life was. so I will learn something value from this.

I have been dumped for my ex two months ago, we where in a 19 months relation, and I admitted my addition to him, I thought I am getting crazy. I was looking answer to his behaviour, after the break up,he was so cold and distant that I could believe it was true, we have to be very closed to each other and it was a horrible part of my life that I wish never happened. After a months of break up I messaged him, as a friend he ignored me but them after replied so horrible (believe he was with his new target). I got so angry and upset that I told him I regret every second I spend with him and that I wish not met him ever, that he buy people and that he should thanks god for the money that he have because otherwise he wouldn’t be very interesting. I said his dead for me.

Its was cruel to the point that he gave his phoned to his new girlfriend. He started the new relations not even a months after we broke up. she messaged me saying I know all about you, and my relationship it is not the same that yours. WE going to get marry! Boom!! you can imagine how I feel when recently I broke up with him .. and my pain was present still.. I thought he did love me ,( I believe something different now after all this reading though the website) but at the moment I was convinced myself I though he was the one, people all the time told us how cute couple! to find out all was fate 🙁 really sad… was crying with my soul more than my eyes and hurt infinitive pain inside me…
know and he will come back.. well I was very wrong completely wrong.

He acted like a victim all the time so he put me in the bad side with his friends now and of course he is the good guy.. I asked myself, How this can be possible when all what I done its to pleased him be caring and the most I trusted him.
I am trying to move on, thanks I found this blogs , I just been with a person that it doesn’t exist. I still remember him.. still on my mind. I do remember when I said him that he sound like another person sometimes and obviously he was showing some of his feature. I wish be like I used to be before I met him, my smile my outgoing personality my life. I am not ready yet but I will feed myself with lot of information, all what can be possible to understand what he done on me, its really bad , and not very human being. He put me out of his life anyway which I think it is the best could happens, still thinking on him (its a very awful history and I really do wish never happens) phew..!!
thanks all of you for share your history I feel identified with all in some parts of all of them.
thanks and sending lot of positive energy .. go girl… go girl!! 🙂

It took eight months for me to finally commit to a relationship with my ex narcissist and for the next three years he put me on a pedestal and treated me like a queen …we sang karaoke duets and was perceived as the perfect couple for three years and honestly I was the happiest girl in the whole USA we built a home together which took a year to build we finally moved in our new home in October 2014 six weeks after moving in my ex Narcissist and his ex-wife packed all my belongings and moved me out in one day ..they put all of my belongings in a storage and would not tell me where my belongings were …after two weeks i followed him to the storage and called the police ..the police made him give me the keys to the storage … At this point I was done with him but he wasn’t done with me for the next three months he visited family members and friends and followed me to places that we had frequented … He convinced all my family and friends that he was so sorry for what he had put me through and begged me to come back ..he convinced everyone that I would never have to feel insecure because he was going to put the home in both our names so that my security with him would be concrete …and I would never have to worry about ever being put out again… Like a fool I went back … It only lasted three months ..again he threw me out he never put the house in both our names …and went straight into a new relationship …it’s been five months and in those five months he has tried to destroy me … Just last week he moved his new girlfriend into the home that I help build … Obviously she is not content with him because she calls me periodically and ask questions …I told her point-blank that he is a narcissist …and when she met him five months ago immediately after our split …she was very vulnerable…having a hip replacement… she told how he held her hand through all her pain…and how they would stay up hours talking about everything… how she has never been so loved in her entire life… Although I know the truth and I know what will happen to her I tried to warn her but reluctantly she doesn’t want to know anymore and wants to believe him so I have implied the no contact rule…and blocked her number and every number that I could think of that they might contact me with…now I am getting calls at 2..3..and 4 o’clock in the morning from private numbers… Although I feel sorry for her and tried to warn her …I no longer want in their mix ..she let him move in with her two weeks after they met and now she is moving in my home…. so he’s got her right where he wants her … The way I look at it is that it took him eight months to get me to commit to a relationship with him and it only took him two weeks to get her to commit because she was very vulnerable …so I believe that he will put her through hell a lot quicker than he did me…

girls we are in a fog as she is giving n giving more money etc more submissive as some of you say , she knows something is not right all the while this so called giving him more she is slowly been drained n all hell will break loose im just relived im not in his company anymore you have no life everything that makes you , you is snickered at etc no sex after a month total switch off etc boring mind games even the fear when u try to leave is part of the attention they can get out of you
Mine was exactly like this article said no job no money wat the hell was i thinking got me at a low point in my life n i also found when he was around everything goes to shitt my hours at work went down when i was out with him rare times we did i got disdainful looks from other people now heaps of work strangers smiling at me all the time lol oh they course so much drama there cant be a good day they sabatage mine accused me of this thats when i see thats wat he does to ALL relationships oh and i didnt see how much he detest women he hates there guts scary part he dosent exist expect for as a ” bad seed” no personality of his own looking back all i see is my own words and reflection coming back to me whatever it was is gone he was txt me for ego feed while he had the new one with a kid ( probly his?) dont know dont care ive had to work through this now just relief i was also physically attacked by him and god i hate to say it but lets say im not thinking about how lucky this new girl or old supply ? Is .
I see this now as a book that ive put on the book shelf to gather dust you can take it down to look at if you want but its no longer a reality

I forgot to mention that yes he is treating his new woman as well as he treated me in the beginning I tried to warn her but she is bedazzeled by his suaveness… and it’s not my place anyway …she will Have to learn the hard way like I did…he found her in her most Vulnerable stage in her life…she was having a hip replacement and she told me how he stood by her side …holding her hand through her pain …but guess who’s on pain meds and has been on them for three years and tells him she’s off of them now …cause she’s all healed from her hip surgery …I love it when she lies to him..but I honestly feel bad for her…

Since reading your blog I have totally blocked him from my life we go to court in two weeks and I’m hoping you will all say a prayer for me

My ex who is a narcissist and I didn’t realize it until I started reading these blogs but this is my story when I met him we were the perfect couple every body told us we were born soulmates he treated me like a queen after eight months of dating I let him move in my home with me after living with me for six months we decided that we would build a home together and I would give up my home ..so we bought a rundown little shack and rebuilt it from the ground up …with all of my soul that I put into that little house we finished it …I gave up my home …and security of five years and we moved in the little home that we built together in October 2014… That’s when my life went to hell …he changed almost immediately he accuse me of taking baths in the morning before I went to work he accused me of having men in the house before he got home from work he accused me of doing drugs or popping pills as he called it …He went so far as to have his daughter do research on the possibility that we might be cousins …I finally had a meltdown in November…6 weeks after moving in with him..I boldly confronted him on how he was disrespecting me and how he has changed since he moved me out of my security and into his home that we had built together…but was only deeded to him and not me… That’s when he physically tried to throw me out of the house when I resisted and got away he called the police and they came to the house and ask me if I had somewhere to go until things calm down …I went to my daughters house and when I told her what had happened … She would not let me return that day or the next ..the third day is when I return back to the house to confront him ..he had his ex-wife and his son there packing my belongings and moving them to a trailer he had parked in the driveway… I ask him what did he think he was doing and he looked right at me with a smirk and said we are moving your stuff out of my house …so I ask him where are you moving it to ? he would not tell me and for the next two weeks he would not tell me where my belongings were … Finally I got a policeman to make him tell me where he had taken my belongings to … And when I found the storage bands he was made to give me the key to them when I search the bins.. most of my things were missing ..they had Most of my belongings and only gave me what was of no value to them… Fast-forward two months …he was at my fathers my mothers my cousins my brothers my sisters my friends begging them to plead with me to give him another chance that he was sorry for what he did and wwe started planning for an addition to the little house I thought for sure we were going to put the house in both our names as opposed to just is none of that happened right out of the blue and may he came home andanted me back and would do anything to get me back … He said that he would put the house in my name as well as his so that I would never have to be insecure about him doing that to me again … And just like my whole family I fell for his lies and I went back and I thought he had changed … But he did not change things got worse he did not put the house in my name nor did he keep any of the other promises …what he did do was move onto another relationship before he was out of a relationship with me and he is totally trying to devour my life … Right now I have a civil suit against him and I am trying to get back the monies that I put into his home we built that home together in one year all I want back is what I put in it and in me trying to get my money back he is totally trying to destroy me …he has lotto me to the severity of trying to get me locked up in jail…his new girlfriend has hired an attorney for him so that I will lose this civil case against him…I have no money to get an attorney..so I really don’t know what hope I have of regaining any of my losses …all I can do is go in with my receipts my witnesses and my truth and with God… I have been praying for him to have a softened heart and until I found this blog and started reading it I had no idea about a narcissistis ..he is a full-blown narcissist and I want to thank you for enlightening me

Unfortunately, I have a daughter with my ex. Here I am, feeling completely at fault for letting him destroy everything I’ve worked so hard to accomplish for the 2nd time. Shortly after our daughter was born in 2005, he was arrested and convicted of identity theft and sentenced to 10 years. Of course, it wasn’t his fault…and I believed him. Because of my relationship with him, the type of work I did, and the nature of his crimes, I was fired from my job. So there I was, a single, unemployed mother overnight. My career was destroyed. Still, for the next 7 years, I supported him financially and emotionally. I waited for him. He made so many promises of how he was going to take care of me and our daughter when he got out of prison. When we did start to drift apart while he was away and we talked about separating, he threatened to kill himself and suckered me back in. Fast forward to 2013 when he was released. At first everything was fantastic. He was doing what he could to help pay bills. He was home every night. But then it seemed that things changed overnight. He started going out drinking and/or gambling almost every night. Some nights he wouldn’t even come home. It was all my fault, he said, that he didn’t want to come. Because the house wasn’t cleaned to his standard, or because I left hair in the bath tub drain. Or I left a couple of dirty dishes in the sink. He stopped contributing to the bills. I was paying for everything, even though he made twice what I made. I even paid his car and insurance payments to keep his car from being repossessed. I took early withdrawals from my 401K with high tax penalties to keep up with the bills that he kept running up. All while, he’s partying and drinking with buddies while I’m at home taking care of our daughter. Then it was brought to my attention that he was messing around with my friend that happened to live next door. Any time I confronted him with anything, he would fly into a rage and somehow make it seem like it was all my fault. And I believed it. I did everything he asked of me, trying to make him happy. Nothing I did was ever good enough. On 3 separate occasions he stole my debit card in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping, and cleaned out my checking account. He gambled away our rent and grocery money, leaving me to figure out how to pay the bills. I changed my PIN each time but he always managed to manipulate the new PIN number out of me eventually. Then one day, he just moved out. It was a few days later that I realized he had moved in with my ex-friend next door that he had been cheating on me with. I somewhat feel sorry for her, For some reason, even after all she saw me go through, she believes his lies. I’m sure he made everything sound like it was my fault. But honestly, it’s a little hard to have sympathy for a woman that played a key part in tearing my family apart. She has seen the devastation that my ex has caused. Now, I’m locked in a custody battle. I’ve been harassed by him at work, which has once again cost my job and ruined my career. I’ve been called names. I’ve been accused of destroying his life, of causing him to be fired from his job. Now, his latest trick is using our daughter to get to me. He feeds her lies to make me look bad. He plays mind games with her to gain her sympathy. He’s even said some horrible things to her to make her feel guilty. He’s psychologically abusing my child and it tears me up. I’m doing what I can legally to keep him from destroying her. But it’s such a slow process. In the end, he will have more than enough rope to hang himself. It will be a long road…

I am blown away reading through these comments. My narc husband left my children and I 5 months ago. The chemistry I thought we had was out of this world. I had a connection with him like I never knew existed. Slowly, the real him started to show. We dated a little over a year before we got married. It was right before our 3rd anniversary that he walked out. I was completely shocked. I was so used to the cycle of things, him getting mad at something stupid, blowing up and saying hurtful things, then five minutes later being super nice. He left in an argument and I thought he would come back. He filed for a divorce a week and a half after he left. I was devastated. To me, everything was as usual. I mean, the week before we were on a family vacation! Still very intimate together etc. it has been the hardest two months of my life. I kept waiting on him to “realize what he was doing” and come home. He spent all of his off days in bars and with friends. I made excuses thinking he just needed to get it out of his system. Two months after the spilt I found him on a dating site. I was beyond hurt but still made excuses. This entire time he was giving me false hope that things would work out. Anytime he thought I was moving on or going out he would flippppp out. About a week and a half ago he changed his relationship status on fb and had a girlfriend now. I was blown away. We are still legally married. I couldn’t understand for the life of me how he could move on so quickly. I can’t even imagine being with anyone else right now. I have spent everyday crying and thinking of him for the past 5 months while he does whatever he wants and gets a girlfriend. The thought of him with someone else makes me soooo sick. I started learning about this sickness in therapy so the more I learn I hope the easier it becomes but even knowing that it’s fake right now, it still bothers me that this new girl is getting this wonderful side of him. It’s the side I want so badly. He hasn’t seen his child in 3 1/2 months he has done nothing but horrible things since he left and everyone around me doesn’t understand how I can still miss him and want him. The thoughts that come into my head of him and this new girlfriend consume my mind and have set me back drastically in my healing process. Today has been a good day so I’m hoping it lasts. It’s nice to know I’m not alone because it honestly makes you feel crazy. It’s such a hurtful and indescribable feeling to love someone more than anything….put up with all of their flaws and then have them just walk out on you and leave you. Then never look back! String you along.! Everyone kept saying, “oh he will try to come back” but they didn’t know I wasn’t dealing with a normal man ,.. He thinks he’s untouchable and owes me money that the court ordered him to pay me and hasn’t yet he takes this girl out and uses our JOINT bank account to pay!! I can’t wait for the day that he doesn’t even cross my mind. For the day that I don’t get anxiety at the thought of him touching her….I felt like I was slowly getting there and then boom I found out about this girlfriend :/ reading these things online helps for sure!

My ex narcissist new girlfriend finally talked to me and asked me about how my relationship was with my ex narcissist because she says he makes it sound like it was perfect and often compares us making it seem like I’m better in every way. When I finally explained to her how terrible it was the whole 5 years I was with him she was in shock. She told me he treats her the same exact way. So I gave her my advice and told her to get away from him that he’s going to try and convince her back with a lot of begging,crying,and presents. Also I sent her the recent screens shots of him telling me he misses and loves me. Couple days ago ex narcissist calls me angry and tells me I just told her all those things because I’m jealous and he kept on repeating that he loves her to me over and over. I just told him that is not love hurting people is not love. He ended up blocking me for a day on facebook and then he unblocked me does that mean he’s not finished with me yet? Did I do the right thing in telling her my experience I’m feeling some pretty mixed emotions right now because every now and then I still feel hurt we’ve been separated for 9 months and hes been talking to me this whole time while dating her as well. Keep in mind he started dating her as soon as I left him.

Hi Guys,

First Kimberly, it is an amazing blog you’ve written there, and really on point, so thank you !

Basically, i was in love with this guy for a few years (never been together though as he thought it would have never worked)
and well I’m just wondering your thoughts about it.
This guy has cheated on all his ex girlfriends, two years ago i was kinda the other woman. This year, he got a new girlfriend since 6 month, and tried to make me number two again by flirting, talking dirty. Which i declined. I’ve learned from my mistakes… however this is where i would love your thoughts: I was still following him on Instagram, and notices he was following bunch of women, liking tons of pics of them, followed girls from his area, (i guess in the hope of getting notice, and have his pics “liked” (big fail) while his girlfriend was away…
but then, he deleted his account…just the day before he was going to meet her parents…
It’s been six month they are together, and for some reasons I still feel like he’s in the “honeymoon phase” … now he’s on holiday with her meeting her parents, and i’m feeling crushed.
I have been reading all articles about narcissism and i wonder if he is…
I know he do love lots of attention and always look for attention from women especially….
He has an addiction to porn, and sometimes he is like 3 different persons which is weird. He told me he was cheating just for the sake of having a few bits of filth, and that was all.
It’s tough as I still love him, and I’m afraid this girl might be the one ? I don’t know… I’m just nervous about him there…He keeps listening on spotify love songs and everything… so I wonder if he can really be in love…
It’s been 5 years, he comes and go all the time…

Hi Kim,

Thanks for this post. I was dumped by my narc ex about a month ago. I started standing up for myself and questioning his behaviour, and that’s when I guess I wasn’t any “use” for him anymore. While I’m glad that I saw the red flags early, I still feel like I was “played” and have trouble trusting people. He set up an online dating account days after we broke up and I recently encountered his new girlfriend/girl he is dating (we have a few mutual friends). I’m rather upset and angry that he is able to move on so quickly, while I’m still feeling broken inside.

Also, not to put down his new girlfriend, especially when she will likely be his next victim, but she is quite different from me physically. I’m in my early 20s, slender built but with a large bosom and derriere, outdoorsy and athletic, while she is in her mid 30s, extremely thin (no curves), and rather delicate looking. I’m rather confused about the whole situation as I was told by my NEx that he liked athletic and younger girls, yet he is dating the complete opposite right now. Is there a pattern in who they target, or do they go with whoever is available and is easily controlled/manipulated?

Would love to hear your thoughts.

I needed to read this article & feel a sense of sanity by doing so. My ex-narc has left me with 3 kids to look after while he is having the time of his life with his new supply. It’s hard to watch & hear about all the romantic things they get up to & he acts so arrogantly infront of me while I am exhausted/stressed / emotional caring for the kids & worrying about finances. I know I’m better of without him & that he will never change…it still hurts all the same

My ex narc recently got a couples tattoo with his new girlfriend that he jst met. It kind of Makes me feel terrible but I know I shouldn’t because deep down I know it’s all show and fakeness

NO! He will NOT treat the new girlfriend better! I got proof of this last night!
Here I have been worried that my ex Narc might REALLY be moving on with his new girlfriend when he didn’t with me, yet last night I saw him at a concert with his baby mama!! The “psycho” one he hates so much, and wants to ‘get away’ from. Yeah, right! She was hanging on him and he looked unhappy….. REALLY weird. Yet there was my proof I’ve been needing to stop obsessing about him and the new girl. NO, he hasn’t “changed” for anyone else anymore than he said he would for me. He’s a lying, cheating, double-life piece of work. I really don’t know how these guys get away with it…. but girls (and guys), we have to get it in our heads they don’t change. Not with us, not with the next girl, etc. It is frustrating and sad cause we know they have ‘good’ parts, too… assuming those are not a lie/facade, which even that probably is. But the sooner we realize this, the sooner we can move on and heal. There are good men out there. These ones don’t deserve one more second of our thoughts or time.

I left my N after 30yrs..6 children.I am so scared and miserable… He cheated the entire relationship.. He was very abusive to me and the kids…verbal..physical..and emotional.I think I need therapy. I really need a support group or someone to talk too.

Tiffany, from what I see, my ex’s new girlfriend does put up with more crap than I did, which makes her a submissive person and apparently she has low self-esteem too. She seems to think he’s great, even excusing him by saying that he has yet to do anything bad like he’s done to me, with me. It’s sad to watch too. She even gives him money, even though he has money. What’s worse, I know when he starts running out of money and continues to ask her, I believe she will STILL give him money out of pity and believes all his lies as to why he’s broke. Sooner or later she will be stuck with him to the point she won’t know how to get him out of her life. Why doesn’t she wake up and smell the coffee and see that he’s a moocher, a liar, needy whiny jerk???

Hello, I’ve been reading everyone’s posts and I wish everyone strength. When my relationship ended with my N, I was in the lowest and most painful position I had been in my life. I was in a fog. I was depressed, crying, had zero motivation for anything, and let everything and everyone fall by the wayside. He was the first person I fell in love with, was intimate with, and saw a future with. In the beginning it was amazing. He was kind, loving, made me feel as the Rihanna song goes, like I was the only girl in the world. I even stuck around and justified his withholding information (lying) when I found out he was married and had a child. I believed the myriad of reasons he gave about not telling me and dealt with the backlash I received from his wife and my family. I later learned that nothing I ever did would be enough. The bar would constantly move higher and expectations grew bigger. When he wouldn’t get what he wanted and that happened frequently because I refused to budge on certain, he would explode. I’ve been called disgusting names, wished death on, been spit on, pushed, hit, threatened, and at one point while driving had chocolate milk poured all over me while his child slept in the back. I am not proud that I stayed nor am I proud that even after nearly 2 years, I still have thoughts of him, the good times, and how he’s probably so happy with his new partner etc. I judge myself constantly, wish I could just let go and be completely free. I’ve been focusing on myself and stayed busy. Work has improved, relationships with family and friends have been rekindled and I’ve bought a home. I feel a sense of peace and calm that was missing and a freedom that I had lost. Problem is that from time to time, especially when I’m lonely or something has gone wrong, I think of him. I feel like he’s changed and is better with her because he didn’t lie to her about his situation with a child and wife. I never got over that and never fully trusted him after that. I wouldn’t move in with him or meet his mother or have a child until he was legally divorced. She’s met his mother and they’re even friends on Facebook and has been living with him even without his divorce being finalized. To sum it up, she didn’t and doesn’t have the hang-ups I do and I feel like she’s getting everything I wanted. It’s the old “what does she have that I don’t?” He’s never publicly posted a picture of them together, but he does post pictures of his daughter and you can see her body, feet, etc. She of course “likes” all his postings and on his birthday he publicly put that they were at the Lebanese restaurant together that he and I had gone to together. I am also Lebanese. I’ve read so much…and yet I still feel a sense of loss, wonder why it’s working with her and I couldn’t make it work, and just feel like she has the new and improved him. Any comments would be appreciated.

Thank you very much kim, I really thank you for the time you put into these articles, they really, really help me and so many others as well. God bless you!

Is was like this for 7 years! He cheated on me from the start. I have 2 boys with him. He abused me pysically,emotionally, and verbally.. He’s been in jail twice for drug charges, and deported 3 different times. I’ve always tried to leave him, but he knew exactly how to get me back. It was like a cycle happening again and again.. I felt trapped to him. On july of 2014 he was so coked and drunk that he chocked me and hit me numerous times and thats when i decided to end it for good. I did no contact since that day. Yess he’ll come to see the kids and he used them to get me back. Less than a month i find out that he has moved in with his new supply 1 hr away from here. And he still continued to kiss ass to me.. He went back to jail all wrote me letters kissing ass to me, telling me that he doesnt love this girl and he’s just with her because he cant be by himself.. I peek once at their facebook and they look so happy and all lovey-dovey. So i started to get a bit confused.. Has he changed with her? He has probation on him, so i think maybe the law can make him turn normal? I feel like he’s changing his ways for her. We recently went to court for the custody of our children and he looks so calm and different. He says that with her it’s different because she pays attention to him and i didnt because i was always busy with my kids,school,work….he craves for attention sooo much! I feel like maybe he is changing for her!! That he is truly happy with her.I get soo mad thinking that things with him are going so good and im just here stuck thinking back at everything he did to me..i hate him sooo much for everything he has done to me! I feel like im going crazy thinking the “honeymoon” phase with them and how much she is enjoying him right now.. But she honestly doesnt know whats coming her way.. I need advice plz?

Hi,

I was with someone who is a narcissist for a few years and really struggling after a discard right now. I thought it was the love of my life and the connection i felt with him and the things we had in common were like with no other guy i have been with. He started changing slowly, in the beginning he was the kindest most patient man, anger started sipping in in forms of anger directed to others and things around him. Slowly it started turning on me, but it was so gradual and so weird that i was really hooked before i realized something was terribly wrong.

I was always very kind to him and patient trying to understand his moodswings, but it all became a world about him. It was like my soul was dying inside, he cared less and less about what i felt and wanted. Projection and blaming started slowly and became more and more intense, my head has been and is spinning in hundred directions because i was trying to make sense of it all. He was so mean to me, i could hardly believe it was true, its like i felt sorry for him because to be acting like that i thought and felt he is hurting inside. I trauma bonded with him as a consequence, and now after the final discard I’m re-living the abuse. All of it. I get full of anger and sadness to why he treated me so badly, and still live under his invisible power of mind games and that “i was mean” and the smallest thing i did wrong i was punished for in astronomical proportions.

I was angry and stood up for myself and i felt like i could not agree to his abuse to me anymore, so i told him off and was mean back saying exactly what was on my mind. He blamed me saying that now he realized what type of person i was and that he never wanted to see me again. With that he disappeared.

I miss him, my head is spinning, I’m also angry. I feel like i will never find someone who i enjoyed as many things together with as with him. Im secretly dreaming hoping that we will get back together. I feel like it is like i was poisoned and im having withdrawals. I would never accept this behavior in a friend, its like i got into it too deep and now im dealing with deeper wounds that i allowed my self to get by not leaving it earlier. I really just wanted it so badly to work because i was so in love with him.

Please advise ?

This article helped me more than any of the others on narcissistic people. I no longer care about my ex’s new life with his new girlfriend, because I’m free of his crap an I feel sorry for her. If she’s smart, she will find out soon enough that he’s a loser an gets rid of him fast. If she keeps him I pity her simply because she is in for a rude awakening

I honestly believe every little word and I will also take in what u have told me because I know deep in my heart and in my soul that this is the got damn truth, the truth I been looking for so long and I finally found it!!!! Thank u

This article is everything to me right now. I feel so much better. THANK YOU.

My narcissist soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician that made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of being initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University. Once she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair; she sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appeared apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shots begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but then came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then there was the withholding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take off a layer of stockings or the all too familiar guilt tripping you just want to do is screw me, but she was my wife, I desired her. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired about her occupation; she would reply I am a physician but I hate my patients. At first it sounded cute, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault; she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bonded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, working on my Ph.D., and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years of marriage. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought; I would see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority. I am angry that we adopted a child, if I knew of her NPD; I would have reconsidered my actions to adopt. I had to repent for what I brought my daughter into.

My narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician that made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of being initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University. Once she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair; she sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appeared apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shots begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but then came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then there was the withholding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take of a layer of stockings or all you want to do is screw me, but she was my wife, I desired her. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired about her occupation; she would reply I am a physician but I hate my patients. At first it sounded cute, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault; she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bonded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, working on my Ph.D., and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years of marriage. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought; I would see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority. I am angry that we adopted a child, if I knew of her NPD; I would have reconsidered my actions to adopt. I had to repent for what I brought my daughter into.

My narcissist soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician that made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of being initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University. Once she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair; she sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appeared apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shots begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but then came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then there was the withholding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take of a layer of stockings or all you want to do is screw me, but she was my wife, I desired her. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired about her occupation; she would reply I am a physician but I hate my patients. At first it sounded cute, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault; she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bounded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought, I see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority. I am angry that we adopted a child, if I knew of her NPD; I would have reconsidered my actions to adopt. I had to repent for what I brought my daughter into.

My narcissist soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician which made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of be initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University, she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair. She sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appear apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shot begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but than came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then the with holding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take of a layer of stockings. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired what she does, she replied I am a physician but I hate my patients. I sounded cute at first, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault, she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bounded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought, I see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority.

Dear kim,
I has with my N for 8 months…at the beginning we were just friends and he was the biggest player. Sleeping with 2 women a week, lying to them. We became best friends as we always hung out. I cooked for him, organised holidays, organised days out, got him my friends to be his, sorted out his clothes, helped a friend of his get a job, helped him start an MBA (which he stopped after we broke up because he wasn’t really interested) we started dating and after a month he wanted me to move in. He is over 6ft tall, dark very handsome so women throw themselves at him. He stuck to me like glue at certain times it was suffocating. I really liked him as I just felt like he was vunerable and needed love. He is extremely childish and also a mammas boy as his mum spoiled him because his dad didn’t love him much due to his mum just focusing attention on him. He would always criticise me about my body as he is very built. We started arguing as something with him didn’t feel right. I never felt secure although he never cheated on me. He broke up with me over 2 weeks of arguing as I think his mum told him too as she didn’t see him ‘happy’ with me since we were always arguing. His mum had come to stay with us for 6 weeks and they always made me feel a bit left out. Also his mum came from a small town and although used to like me was a but worried about my ethnicity and how it would impact the grandchildren in terms of my religion. He just dumped me told me to get away from him, I still organised his birthday as it was all booked and he still told me he had no feelings that my body wasn’t for him that we had nothing in common. He put all my stuff in boxes and left them by the door, he started sleeping around immediately, deleted me off facebook. I had introduced him to all my friends as he didn’t have any and he tried to organise stuff with them without me. There was one girl during the course of our relationship I didn’t really trust and knew she liked him, and we had a fight about her. He even said to me that I was crazy as he thought she wasn’t even hot and I should be jealous of someone who is. Anyway 4 months after a very bad break up (I have to see him all the time as we have the same social circle but I just stopped speaking to him- he tried to text me once I ignored) he is seeing that very girl as she started spending all her time with him. Our social circle is the same so it is so painful and humiliating for me. I don’t know how to handle it. I was really good to him and I know I didn’t deserve how he ended it…now he is with this new girl and many of my friends know her too and fell its awkward and some have even advised me to stay away from them so I don’t get more hurt. She saddens me the most as she knew exactly what I went through. He makes me so sad.

I’m not a psychologist but after 2.5years with a Narc and 3 years recovery ( thank God!) I now think I have less of a cloudy mind to come to this conclusion.

Narcs do indeed treat their next victims better after discarding you but its not because she is better than you.
The N has no capacity to intuitively sense what his new catch likes or dislikes so they find out by trial and error. And what better template to use than your past reactions to his actions in the relationship he has discarded?

I hated clubs, drinking and the fact that my ex spent so many nights out leaving me lonely with a crying baby. Well,guess what? After we broke up and he ‘coincidentally’ started dating the girl i had suspected he was cheating on me with, he told me that he doesnt even go out or drink anymore. That they spend their evenings at home and that now he realizes that this is all i had ever wanted. This tore me so badly but now I can see right through it. Oh and yeah, he got her pregnant ( just like me) and then married her (the one thing i had wanted most is for him to marry me.)

So , from the outside it looks like he is treating her better. The truth is he knows all the things he did to de-value you so with his new catch, he deliverately does the opposite as part of the love-bombing phase. He will also make sure that you see or hear about it. It serves to secure new supply as well as exact his sick revenge on you for daring to have a life after him.

Oh, another thing….Whatever thing you ‘need’ the N for in your life is the very thing he will use to tear you to shreds. I never understood why in all our arguments,after going over and over my hurt he would ask ‘so what do you want now?’. I would then proceed to explain how i would like him to stop doing A,B,C. He would give me a dead-pan expession and say ‘ok’. Then guess what….after a short while he would be back to doing,-you guessed it-A,B,C.

I have bookmarked this article on my phone to remind myself that going no contact was the best thing i ever did for myself and my son.

Peace and love to all of you who are in the early stages of discovery or recovery.I never thought I would ever get to the other side. Trust yourself, be gntle with yourself and eventually, you too will smile again.

My ex sounds just like this we have been split up for 2 months and he’s already with a girl and taken her on holiday and they have been going on about what a good time they had all over face book? He has destroyed me and I feel so worthless

Hi Kim Saeed! First of all i’d like to thank you for writing this topic. I just went out of an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist. i had a relationship with him for in total 6 years. after more or less few months dating, i actually already felt there was a crack in him. but i always gave him the benefit of doubt. because i’m that type of person who is forgiving and likely to give something or someone a second chance. throughout the years, i had good moments and also those tormenting moments with him. the same like all the women who went through the same story as i did, I stayed in the relationship because i believed that deep down he had a good heart, and that he would change or i could help him to be a better man. but i was totally wrong. he never changed. he always had a way to put me down. when i was with him, i went from being “happy” to be confused then to be angry then to be hurt then to be totally nuts. there were times when he seemed to be sorry for being such an ass. he said that he didn’t want me to be sad and he put his ‘spell’ on me that he would be nicer and better. but it was just his trick to sustain his narcissistic supply as you have mentioned in your blog.

one year ago, i found out on his computer few separate folders containing photos with his ex-lovers (3 different women). and crazily, i noticed that those pictures were taken when he was also seeing me. i think, when i started dating him, i was his mistress first. then after sometime became his ‘main lady’. when i found out about those pictures, i was thinking to leave him right away. but on the second thought, i assumed he might have already changed. because we had such serious relationship for a long time. and he’s already older now. he’s by the way 30 years old now. so yeah, i was so naive at that time, i thought he wouldn’t cheat or lie to me because we were in a serious and long time relationship.

but then again, what i thought was wright was the opposite.
1,5 week ago i found out that he had an affair with another woman. i saw his flirtatious with his new victim on facebook. i came to his place confronted him right away. he didn’t deny it, although he didn’t literally admit that he went cheating. he did say things like: he didn’t know what he was doing, he did that because he was just being crazy, he said that i was too good for him, he said that i didn’t make any mistake nor there was something wrong in me, he said that he was a stupid asshole. but if i recall, he didn’t say any word SORRY to me. NOT AT ALL. it showed enough that he is a true narcissist, right?

so during the night that i confronted him, it was the last time i was with him. when i left his place, this F****er was still trying to play his game. he was hugging me, looking sad or regret, blew me a kiss and cried. i think he did that because he thought i would still buy his actions. but THANK GOD i was strong enough not to fall for his trap. the next day he called me to ask if i arrived home safely and about what i was going to do on that day etc. he also asked for the clarification about us. DUUHH,, it was obvious that it was over. so i also simply said, “it was obvious that it was over”. he said “ok”. then he asked again if i want to stay in contact with him. I MEAN, COME ON. that jerk was f***ing lying to me, and he dared to ask me if still wanted to stay in contact with him, as if nothing happened? that really confirmed that he is mentally ill.

since then i perform the NO CONTACT actions. i also blocked him from every single mean of communication. but yeah. i’m also human who has weaknesses. just yesterday, i checked his and his new victim’s facebook. i saw that this girl posted a photo of them. i felt a jab in my heart. i became a bit angry. i even almost called him and would yell at him, telling how he could be so heartless being so happy with this girl and one week ago he seemed regret and he even cried that i was leaving him. but THANK GOD i read this post!! Kim, you made me realize again, that my ex is just a narcissist who he will never change and that he will do the same thing to his new victim what he did to me. the picture that i saw was another confirmation that he is a narcissist who never had and never will have genuine feelings for his partner. i would be wasting more of my time to linger myself onto how he wronged me. it’s time for me to live my life free from that monster.

I was with a guy for 13 years had 2 kids, he really didn’t take me out or showed me love like that. Now he has a new girl he does everything and anything for her in he’s been with her for 5 years. Why is that?

This is such a great article and describes exactly what happened to me last year. Before becoming a couple my ex and I were just good friends but he was always flirty with me. I was never interested in him but I liked being around him as it was always fun. However, he started chasing me like crazy and somehow we ended up dating. The first phase was exactly how you describted it, he was “love-bombing” me and I enjoyed his attention and the time we had together so I really fell in love with him. I had to go overseas around six months after we had started dating but only for two weeks. When I came back be barely had time for me anymore and always found new excuses. Unfortunatly, I did not get the sign back then, I could not imagine the guy who adored me so much losing interest after such a short period of time. He started dating another girl behind my back but he did not tell me, he made me feel guilty about everything and used every situation to humiliate me. After that he contacted me again saying that he misses me. It was a back and forth. I often ended it and he made me feel guilty for not giving him time to think about his feelings, he just never wanted to let me go completely. Eventually it was a friend of mine who told me that he has another girlfriend. This girl used to date his best friend but after this guy has left the country because of a job, she started seeing my ex (who she knew for years while just being after his friend). I was so upset not so much because of him but because I realised how much he played with me, I felt so worthless and used. After I have told him that I know what is going on he was not even keen on talking to me in person and telling me what happened. He just told me that he is so in love now and that he wants to change and that he would never treat his new girlfriend how he treated me. I know that he must have been together with her for a while, while still contacting me (I found that out afterwards, I was not aware that he has a girlfriend when I was seeing him) so I thought no he will not change. However, Now they have been together for over a year, she is a real partygirl and offers him a great life and the same time he can have the girl that his ‘amazing’ friend used to date. I feel like he has changed cos he is so committed and does not to hunt other girls anymore. I do not wish the girl anything bad and if he is in love with her, he should be together with her, I am just struggeling to understand why he had to be so disrepsectful to me… Could it be that those guys can change if they are really in love?

Wow this is the first thing I’ve read that literally felt like it was my life. I came out of a relationship a month ago that HE ended ironically. At first it was over the top concern for me, showering me with affection, constant texts soppy pictures, leaving me notes, fussing and then it just all seemed to dissolve. We argued constantly, he’d scream at me too and punch things – he’d get angry over tiny things. I always felt like he was lying to me, like a gut instinct I couldn’t explain, made me feel constantly uneasy. Everything had to be his way and on his terms, he was desperate for children which he made clear pretty much from the beginning, but I was too young and didn’t want that yet. I was criticised for things constantly, felt like I NEEDED approval, he’d always say I didn’t cos I had my own mind, but if I ever did do something on my own terms he’d go mad anyway so I couldn’t win. He could never ever be wrong, he’d make comments about stupid things and then said I was too sensitive. I became anxious, depressed and lacked any self worth, he hardly ever initiated sex, was up and down with affection and communication – of course he never saw the error of his ways and my depression became my illness, he’d got sick of it and said I was dragging him down – couldn’t he see it was him? I’d never been like this before, had a very healthy relationship two years previous and never felt paranoid, or nervous or low. Anyway now it’s all me of course and i’m ‘mental’ he even threatened restraining orders because i’m ‘mental’ how ridiculous is that. He even tried to say I’d made HIM depressed and he was ‘ill’ and I took HIS confidence away haha, so much so that he was back to dating 2 weeks later and thought it was nice to tell me he’s talking to someone whose amazing. I’m left in bits of course but I hope and pray one day it’ll get better and I’ll get my personality back and all the confidence back I had sucked out of me. He’s a relatively mature adult too and the people close to him think he’s this great guy whose been treated ‘badly’ by all these women – OPEN YOUR EYES. I realise now, pretty much every BS story he told me, every line, every picture, every phrase none of them were special for me they aren’t special for anyone, he’ll be feeding the same rubbish to some other poor woman…and I dread to think how long it will take her to work him out

Reblogged this on sothisisholland and commented:
Wow…..this woman knows what she’s talking about, lol.

This speaks right into my current situation… My soon to be ex Narcissist had his new girlfriend and her sons over for dinner with our two kids during the holidays, just a few weeks after we separated (I just found out about her the day after Christmas from our kids).
I had a nagging feeling there was someone else. Recently he had to have a talk with me about all the mistakes he made during our marriage. No emotion, just reading off a list his sponsor helped him with. When he finished I asked what his purpose was in telling me this (since he never apologized). “I don’t want to make the same mistakes again”.

I was shocked, not jealous at all….I’m the one who ended it….but shocked he could move on to someone so quickly. It was though our 23 years together meant absolutely nothing. Meanwhile I’m doing my best to heal from the pain and abuse of his narcissistic behavior that entire time. He didn’t need to heal….he has nothing to heal from.

I found out this new girl has been around for a while, being groomed and waiting in the wings while I was preparing to get out. I haven’t seen her but the way my daughter described her (she wanted to talk about it so I just listened – biting my tongue) seems she has a very different lifestyle and has nothing at all in common with my ex. I’m pretty sure she may have been the first one to flirt or give him sexual attention and he immediately responded. He’s not very discerning.

It sounds like he’s right on cue with lovebombing, taking her out to expensive dinners, spa treatments, cooking for her at her place, etc. When our kids are with him he’s gone every night.

Reblogged this on Narcissistic Sociopathic Abuse and commented:
Kim is my absolute favorite blogger. She is also someone I consulted with in the development stages of this blog and was extremely helpful and encouraging. Her dedication and work she invests to raise awareness and promote healing and recovery from abuse is admirable. There is one difference that does not apply to the Narcissist in our situation. He IS NOT attracted to people who are more attractive than he is. He preys upon women who have a very low self-esteem and poor self-image of their selves because he is obsessed with his own appearance and would never want to feel as though he is in competition with anyone. I had gained weight during our relationship due to all the stressors living with a Narcissist can cause. Since I got rid of him I have lost more than 30 pounds and am steadily continuing to lose more. Life couldn’t be better but when he first reappeared it was a vulnerable time. He prefers women who are NOT interested in their personal appearance. This gives him the advantage. He wants all the attention to be focused on him. Between me and his wife who spent all her money on him too, he had more clothes and shoes than both of us put together. He was extremely spoiled. He never wanted for anything.

I don’t mean to imply that anyone he has ever been in a relationship with are “ugly ducklings”. That is not true AT ALL. He is attracted to people who caring because they are the ones who will take care of him and that is his number one priority, not their appearance. They will eventually become hidden and obsolete from his life anyways.

“Most Narcissists… are the equivalent of 7-yr olds running around in adult bodies.”

Kinda. I teach that age group (2nd grade). The vast majority are MORE emotionally and ethically advanced than adult narcissists. Even many kindergartners are more advanced. Am I am not being facetious. And if you know what to look for, some infants too. Its an issue of ability to feel empathy.

Narcissists are at the early infant stage – but that is what draws us codependent types to them. We want to take care of these big adorable babies cause we see how futile their view of life is and hope to ease their suffering. The problem is that we are human and need some consideration for our own feelings and some reciprocal empathy to sustain the relationship, which narcissists are unable to provide.

Kim, I love your blog! It’s helped me to process and understand all of the craziness that’s flooded my mind since I divorced my narcissist 5 years ago. And No Contact has been the ONLY way to handle it. I still suffer the emotional scars from the abuse and have decided that I may never date again.

I do think it’s important to note that narcs are both male and female. Much or your writing puts the narcs in the shoes of a man and the victim as female. I don’t know the percentage of genders of narcs …but there are plenty of narcissistic females out there too and it’d be very helpful to us men to feel included in the conversation.

This is so true. After I left my narcissistic lying cheating abuser he was so obviously trying to “get back” at me that it reminded me of a child throwing a temper tantrum. His actions were so transparent that they actually made me laugh out loud. He started dating the first girl who came along. It was literally embarrassing how much of a downgrade this girl was. I’m sure she is nice and I’m not saying this out of spite but he could not have picked a trashier looking girl. He started posting pictures with her on social media in an unsuccessful attempt to make me jealous but it had the opposite effect of making me feel better about myself. After he saw that this wasn’t working and I wasn’t breaking no contact he inevitably started to devalue the new girl and discard her. I honestly felt bad for her because she had no idea he was using her as a pawn in his childish game. That’s all narcissists know how to do though, use people as a means to an end since they lack a “true self.” I really feel bad for this pathetic guy because I know he will never find true happiness.

Where do I start, well, the narc ex met me in my country of birth while there for work. Since that time I was love bombed, he stays on another continent and at that time I never had a visa to visit his country. So while I was in my country, we kept in touch via Skype and FB. He even paid for a language school in my country so I could learn a bit of his language and said if I have this degree he can marry me so that I can have his nationality passport. He also mentioned I could get pregnant then come over to his country on visa and give birth there. After 4 months of not physically seeing him, he sent money for me to buy a plane ticket. Was my first time I was flying to a continent of the world I have never been to. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I ended up getting my other passport which would allow me to live and even work in his country. I am a dual citizen. I end up living with him, and after a while things start changing, seeing that I am in his country. His job required him to be away from home for up to one month, so I would sit alone at his apartment, could not speak the language of his culture, knew nothing about how things operated around there so I practically felt like a house pet trapped. Yet, I stayed cos I thought he loved me and I loved him. Then after one year into our relationship I fall pregnant with his child. At first he seemed happy then in a foul mood. I saw Jekyll /Hyde personality from him. He eventually tells me to have an abortion or I must go back to my country and give birth there. He practically blackmailed me. I thought if I do as he says he will love me again. He used to coo and speak about how would I look pregnant then when I really fell pregnant he got cold feet. In these awful two years I wasted with him he also cheated on me numerous times, frequented hookers, and anything that could feed him supply. He even had a lady boy. I found terrible things on his mobile phone when I searched through it, I knew he was up to something. I left him beginning of this year and have had NC for a month. He also doesn’t msg me. What I can’t believe is that someone can be so heartless, have their flesh and blood aborted and not once apologize to me. Out of all my exes, this one was the worst. I have a hole in my soul for what he did. The worst is the brainwashing me to abort his child and at that time I was scared, alone, confused and in a foreign country. Worst thing was that he got his pervert father to drive me to have the abortion as he was away for business. I hope karma pays him a visit, mostly for brainwashing me into having an abortion. There was no way I had the money to have the child as I had no medical aid and no job either. I hope the wheel turns against him and his sick family sooner than soon.

Thank you so much for this post, Kim. I’m having a particularly difficult time because I saw photos yesterday of my ex with the girl (one of them) he cheated on me with. We’ve been broken up for 2 months. My ex is a big wig professional kayaker, business owner, goes to city council meetings, on the tourism board, pretty much involved in a lot of great things, but he treated me awful. No one has any idea he was verbally abusive and demeaning. And it’s hard, because I still see the good in him- how he acts for the community and to other people. I am searching for reasons he changed on me. It’s hurt my self worth a lot. He ended up getting violent with me when I confronted him about the girls (the one he’s with now), and I sustained bruises and a broken toe. He’s never apologized. His dad (a 70 year old man) found out about what happened and is trying to encourage me to press charges if he doesn’t get anger counseling since he beat up his dad 2 years ago. (New info to me.) I am pathetic because I still hope he’s the nice guy he first was to me, the one he shows to the world, but I am so mad too about the discard, how he’s treated me. Should I pursue charges?

I posted this comment in another section but after reading this thread this seems like the more appropriate place for it. Would really appreciate any thoughts or advice….I am really struggling and trying to make sense of all of this and desperate for answers.

My narcissist ex (we dated for 3 years) broke up with me in August of this year (conveniently right after his birthday) and he has been hot and cold since…all classic narcissist behavior from what i have read…every time i stopped trying to contact him after a week he would cave in and contact me i would fall for his “I miss you” texts and be sucked back in then he would pull the same bs all over again…rinse and repeat. I thought things were finally going well in last month until I found out he cheated on me at the destination wedding he went to. The worst part? I picked him up and dropped him off at the airport we talked every day and he told me how much he missed me….meanwhile someone posted a picture on facebook of him with the brides sister and the caption was “smitten”…I confronted him about it over text and not only did he not respond he blocked me from everything and has not talked to me in almost 3 weeks!!! My sister just had a baby and he has only sent me ONE email after one i sent him that said “congrats on being an aunt hopefully this makes you a better calmer person” yes i will admit sometimes i did act crazy and react out of anger BUT it was always a reaction to something he did to provoke a response from me. He basically told me to “leave him be for a while” and I know its because there is someone else in the picture because this is the longest he has ever gone without talking to me and he seems so happy. My question is we used to gchat daily while we were both at work and gchat was one of the first things he blocked me on after i confronted him about cheating…BUT since i have my gmail up every day while i am at work anyways i have noticed that every single day at least 2-3 times a day he will unblock me for a minute then reblock me again and do the same thing 2-3 more times throughout the day…this has gone on for 3 weeks. Is he just doing it to mess with me? He is driving me crazy and so is this “silent treatment” ugh….I feel so helpless

Hi Kim long story but i need your input….

I found out in the summer my bf of 2 years got another girl pregnant. I was devastated and cut all contact with him. I only found out until the baby was born all of this, and he told me left me for her and the sake of his son.

It took me months to get over it and i was devastated. 4 months later, his GF contacted me, confronted me about my relationship with him. Turns out she had no idea about me at all and found my contact on his phone and and he had started a relationship with her aswell. He was practically leading a double life and had been for over 1 year and half!

She has been contacting me telling me he hits her, beats her, house is a mess, doesnt let her leave the house, forces her to sleep with him. I was shocked to hear this as he never once laid a finger on me and all my friends loved him. She wanted to know the truth about me and his infidelities to which i was honest and said he had cheated on her while she was pregnant when me and him started seeing each other again ( when we had a break and i had no idea about her ). She has told me she found out he has been with hookers while dating both of us, been on dating sites, and meeting up with exes at the same time! I was shocked!! I told her to leave him as he will continue to cheat on her.

She was open to me and apologised saying that we were both hurt by him. Anyway a few hours later she messages me again to tell me to leave them alone and that he never loved or cared for me ect. I was shocked and thought that he may have told her lies about me, as he still hasn’t admitted cheating on her. She told me that they need to move on now and forget everything for the sake of their son.

I said a final word by saying that she had contacted me and that she could believe what she wanted and that if he genuinely loved her he would be honest and own up. Dont contact me again and then blocked her straight away. My ex then contacted me swearing at me telling her to leave her alone and not to f* it up for him as he was to be with his son , and said he loved her and that he never cared for me and that he will change for her and never loved me. I was devastated when he said these things as he was so loving during our relationship and told me that he loved me all the time. I never replied and blocked his number too. I don’t believe him. He was always so controlling with me and didnt like me hanging out with guys he didn’t know and now i suspect he has this sociapathic behaviour but i’m not sure.

Apparently he also referred to me as “some girl” and not his ” Ex gf” Which really makes me question his motives and why he said this about me to her? Is he trying to to please her by saying all this? Why was he so mean to me!? I am the innocent party in all of this and i suspect its because he doesnt want to lose his son. I doubt he loves her, and doubt that if there was no son he would still be with her.

I am shocked at how horrible he has been to me. He hasn’t apologized at all to be for all hes done. Have i done the right thing? We were together so long, i’m trying to understand why he said such horrible things, and why he does not come clean if he loves her?

Also i feel that she is constantly comparing herself with me is this her insecurities? could she be lying about this? I dont know what to believe. she acted like i was after my ex, but i had already moved on with someone else and she had contacted me ! Does he have these narcissistic traits? Will he cheat again?? I told her she was an idiot to stay with him, but she told me that they need to move on now for their son’s sake. Please explain this kim… Would be grateful for your input if you could email me. Just feeling so frustrated this has all re rooted and im shocked and sad he has acted this way. Thanks

Never go back.

Hey Anony,

I understand your story and can relate to it so much. It sometimes seems when i read al this posts then you all have had a relation with MY ex! All those words that i said over the years to him `the mask, fake, not know what love is etc. when i did not know anything about Narcism.

Said to hear that you put up whit him for so many years. He does not disurve such a carrieing loving sweet person like you. That i am sure of you are otherwise you could not stay for so long,

I am worried to read that you are still living with him Now he had controle but when you are gone he gets frustrated and try to do everything desparate to get you back. Not out of love but over controle. Power. Never let him discover that you are making a plan.
Dont wait to long to leave him.

Make sure that you have Always a bag with the nessasery stuff. So when he hits you and gets dangerous you pack that bag and run. Money, Id or copy of id, bankcarts Phone, a little bit of clothes. Its very important. I have been trough this myself.
Make sure you just have to push one button on your iphone then it calls the police!
Never accept voilince because its getting worse and worse.

Take care.
Ellen

Once again I find myself in the devalue and discard phase of the relationship with my narc partner of 11 years. I am sitting back and having to watch him hoover his ex back into his pathetic disordered life…..the triangulation game which I’m not playing this time! I’m done now and have put together a plan to leave as soon as it is safe as he is very aggressive and violent and not afraid to use physical force.

I realise he has never loved me because they do not know how to love. I fell in love with the masked person he portrayed and sadly that man does not exist. It has taken me years to finally realise and after a year separation recently I was hoovered back with ‘stories’ that he had changed and wanted to marry me. Two years later I’m right back where I was before the separation. But no more and just feel total disgust at his inner disordered ugliness. I’m looking forward to being ME again.

My ex-husband narc has a new supply. We were married for almost 30 yrs. This woman is 10 yrs older than he is and has low self-esteem. She is a widow with an illness and very subservient to him. He tries to avoid or make any contact with me at all cost. Which is wonderful! If he does make contact, he is beyond rude and hostile for no reason. This woman has adult children that are on to him. I honestly feel he is miserable and wants to end it with this woman. I believe he is afraid she will become ill. I also believe he is afraid of what her children will do to him if he dumps her.

After I caught my N having an emotional affair with his highschool sweatheart who he had found again on FB I told him that I was going to leave him. He begged for a second chance, said he didn’t love her, that he only loved me. I told him that I could consider his request only if he got his act straight, get a steady job, stop being constantly aggressiv, that he should go to therapy. Well, guess what: behind my back he contacted her again, and when I confronted him he told me he wanted to see which one was better for him, me or her (if that isn’t sick then I don’t know what is). I told him to leave. Right now he is packing his stuff. It hurts like hell to watch that, to see that the 10 years we spent together, all the things that he promised me, all the love we shared (at least I thought it was love) don’t mean anything to him anymore. He is going to move in with the ow next week, according to her they are ‘soul mates’. I am so angry and sad. He is trying to talk me into staying friends, asked to act like adults do, but I have stopped talking to him at all. Not one word. Somebody please tell me that I am not crazy.

When I met my ex, he was in a relationship but said he was ending it.
We began a 3 1/2 year relationship, he moved in with me, paid all my bills (rent, electric, etc. because I was only partly working. We did everything together and I kept the house, cooked six nights a week (I’m a personal chef), kept his clothes clean, ran his errands and etc. He was very generous; owned a small trucking business and was gone alot so our time was limited and after awhile, I wasnt getting any of the time. he always had something else to do and I came last. I felt as if I was always on the back burner and we had alot of issues he didn’t wish to solve and i couldnt do it by myself. He started with the disappeariing acts for days at a time, no phone calls, no communication. If we got into a heated discussion, he would just leave. Last year, he bought me a wedding ring set when I told him i was leaving to visit my daughter for the holidays and was not coming back. Two days later, there was the ring but the kicker was, he was married and would not get his divorce. Kept talking about getting it from the time I met him but always had an excuse why it wasnt happening.

I even went so far as to go to the courts and get one of the do it yourself divorce packets to self file because he & his wife had no property togther and his chidren were grown. I helped him fill out the info and all he had to do is take it to the court, sign it it in front of the notary and pay the fee. It never happened. A month ago, the woman he was with before me showed up at my door to claim him after I had put him out again for disappearing. He’d been with her 17 years and had been living with her three weeks since I put him out and now she came to get him. I never knew he was with her all those years, nor that he forced her to get an abortion…in fact, he hooked up with her when he was leaving his wife way before i came in the picture. He said she trapped him with the baby and I think he threatened her with the abortion that he may leave her if she didnt get one. I showed her my beautiful rings that I will never be able to use which he never told her we were engaged. He sat here in front of her and never defended himself one way or another nor would he look me in my face when the shit hit the fan. He took all of his belongings and walked out never to look back. Not only did he break my heart, he left me without money to take care of myself since i dont have a regular job and it’s hard to get one where I live, but I was driving one of his vehicles, which he took and I have medical issues which he knew about.

So the day after he left me, he must have feeling a certain kind of way cause he dropped off a rent check for this month and the car he’d taken the night before and told me whe would be back for the car at the end of the week cause it needed to be repaired (speedometer problem which I knew about). I sat here all week waiting for him to come and get that car; Saturday, he called my daughter in arizona 1,600 miles away to ask her what was wrong with me, that I’d sent some letters to all of his family, friends and co-workers saying he gave me a STD and trying to explain to my daughter what happened between us. He told her i was cheating on him (my son had sent me roses three weeks before, around the time he left and that was a reason for him to disappear, he accused me before he walked out). he told her I put him out and thats why he was with this woman but my daughter asked him why I put him out, like I didnt wake up one day and decide to just throw him out and that he needed to take accountability and man up for his mistakes. Needless to say, she called him everything but a child of God. Now, they had a close relationship, but when someone is cursing you out on the phone, why wouldnt you just hang up? Instead, he sat there and listened to her ream him a new hole then she hung up on him. That should have been the end of it but no, still trying to get his reasoning across, he then began texting her (she sent me the texts) and it was at that point, I decided, car or no car, I was going to let him have his car back and just suffer until someone could fix my car that had been sitting pretty much for over a year that he never had time to fix. The point is EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT; its my fault, I put him out, but it’s not his fault he disappeared. My fault we argued but not his that I spend most of my time alone on a shelf, until he didnt have anything else to do then he’d dust me off and play with me until he put me back on the shelf.

I texted him that Saturday night, which by the way, these supposed letters were delivered Friday, according to my daugther and He all that afternoon and all day Saturday to either call or come by and confront me and punish me by taking the car also, but he did not). I told him my daughter said something about the letters, that it wasnt me and why would i since he just paid my rent and left me his car to use a few days before. I asked him if he considered it was the new (old) woman, maybe trying to keep him in line and away from my house. I told him it seemed pretty desperate that she looked up my personal information on the internet, chased him for most of his life while he was knowingly with other woman and showed up at my house and continues to believes any lies he feeds her is pretty desperate; he might want to consider her. I pointed out that since he made his decision to end our relationship, I had not called, texted or chased him down and i have accepted his choice. Then i told him i appreciated his car but he can come get it and all his other lawn mowers and car parts, etc out of my yard. I told him I never wanted to see or talk to him again. i also told him not to call or text me and that i was changing my phone number and to make sure he leaves my keys.

Sunday, I went to church and when I came home, everything was gone. I have not seen or heard from him. It’s going on a month now. I stay away from places I know where he might be. If I wanted to be like this woman, I would go to her house (I have her info now) but its not worth it to me. That said, i have cried every day since this shit went down but i did not beg him to stay with me. I was good to this man, I bent over backwards to try to fix the state of the relationship but he was emotionally available to me. I loved his family and now, I have heard from not one of them especially his mother, who I was hoping to eventually be my mother in law. I sit now and think about what he told me about his past relationships and the patterns are the same. The kicker is that this woman he went back to is nothing like me. I’m not saying Im a beauty queen, but he told me he always liked a light skinned black mixed woman; I try to keep in average shape and this woman is short and chunky to chubby…nothing like me at all. I was floored! I’m wondering why he didnt stay with her in the first place? I dont know if my ex is just narcissistic or socio/narc combination but he’s not at all what I thought he was and Im devestated. He just walked out and never looked back so I dont expect him to come back and I doubt I could even look at him at this point.

My questions are: since he went back to his ex, who obviously is aware of his tendendacies as he’d left her who knows how many times only to return, how long does it take when they start to devalue a former victim? I’m curious if the victim has to work harder to keep them the second time around? He told me that she was jealous of my rings because in 17 years he never wanted to marry her and I was with him for 3 1/2 years and he asked me so she’s probably working over time and doing jumping jacks trying to get him to get that divorce and marry her, One thing I learned is that he don’t like to be cornered so I’m wondering if he will follow through on marrying her? Any thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks!

My ex-narc has been in a blissful relationship with his new lover for over 4 months now. Unlike the typical narcissist, mine never told me I was his soul mate and he never told me I was the one. He did tell me I COULD BE the one but that he wasn’t sure. He was always looking (through social media, in person and through dating sites). Although he always told me I might not be ‘the one.’ he still always denied that he was looking elsewhere. He did, however, tell me that I would have to understand if he did find someone else. He said he loved me more than he ever loved anyone else (next to his ex wife) but that something was missing. I had finally had enough of his craziness (mental/emotional abuse, lies, drinking, flirting with other women, etc. – ugh 4 years of that – yes, I know I should have left sooner!) About a week after I left him, he was in a relationship (one that started to blossom on social media for several months prior – they also have known in each other in the past but have never before been involved with one another). He was ‘preparing’ her the entire time. As soon as he started dating her, he told me about her and said he found his soul mate and that the chemistry was like nothing he had ever experienced (he had told me through our entire relationship that we did not have physical chemistry he needed, but that he loved everything else about me). He said he finally found someone that he loves EVERYTHING about and that they ‘click’ in every way. He even went so far as to tell me that the timing of my leaving was meant to be, because he may not have pursued her further if we were still in a relationship. Beyond that, he told me that his deceased mother was now his guardian angel and that she sent her to him at just the right time. Here it is, 4 months later, and they are blissfully in love. He brags about her to everyone and proudly displays her everywhere he goes. Our mutual friends tell me they have never seen him so happy and that they truly seem to be meant for each other.

Is it possible? Does this happen? Is it possible that even though he is a narcissist, he has found who he really wants to be with? He is telling everyone that he has never felt this way before about anyone and that he never knew he could feel this way (he is not just TELLING her this stuff; he is making it public knowledge)! Is it possible that he will truly be the right person for her and that in his mind, I just wasn’t for him long term? I gave this man my life. I gave him my heart and soul and sacrificed things that I can never get back (friends, jobs, my dignity, my family….).

Seems like I’ve just woken up to the notion that there are so many borderline personality types many of which will do you considerable harm…Sam Vaknin and yourself seem convinced that the new woman/new man will fare no better than you/me the discarded..
What I am hearing from friends and associates who articulate having endured a relationship with a narcissist – 10 – 15 years ago, (despite not recognising it as such, because narcissism wasn’t a vogue word then,) describe their dismay when the new partner actually received better treatment, holidays, new home, wardrobe and in one case got the new woman pregnant whereby her predecessor found, he, the narcissist would not even consider having children. So it seems like we can’t even take ‘comfort’ in the knowledge that it wasn’t personal and he/she treats everyone the same. So what does that say about the N., his former partner and the new partner. Seems like we can’t even use the term n.supply as everything is on a continuum. What if there was a dramatic change? Frequently the new partner is perceived to be less attractive – why then would the N. chose a less attractive individual if they want to ‘bask in reflected glory’ – like on Facebook? Seems like the N. is more flexible than the literature gives him credit for. Or did he/she just find someone incredibly accommodating, strong willed and able to handle his/her vacillation?. What if this says more about the co-dependent than the narcissist?. Where does that leave us – in even more mental and emotional agony because we got the brunt of the abuse? Thoughts?

My ex was sleeping with me and got his nee gf pregnany at the same time.I had no idea about her. They are in the same field and she is the best at it so we know why hes with her … For her fame and now he can be toed to her success and money. She doesnt know she tried to get every gf including me pregnant within the first three months. I feel horrible for her. I do believe hell play the nice guy though because she can damage his reputation.

Sorry…. not feeling Empathy for the new source , she creep-ed behind my back with him …texting , Facebook and what ever else they could do.. all the time we were living together ….we lived together for three years and he had the gall to say we only dated …I can’t wait for him to pull of that mask of his a treat her like the creeping,fake christian slut she is……she likes to post God is good and blessing to all …..what christian go after another woman’s man or participates a secret relationship with him She deserves everything that is coming to her …..She knew he was with me and still started a relationship with him …..

My ex-narc is beyond happy with his current girlfriend. He does things for her he would never do for me. Everyone tells me how happy he is. He never used to drive anywhere when we were together; I had to do all the driving, always, even from day one. Now he drives to her house all the time (I used to have to pick him up) and he drives them everywhere in his car. He never did any of that with me. His hygiene/grooming/appearance have improved immensely (always shaves/showers for her/bought new clothes/cleaned his entire house so he can bring her over and not be embarrassed) and his family members are telling me how happy he is and how he is quitting smoking/drinking. He has even removed his on-line dating profiles (yes, I have checked…and yes he never took them down when he was with me). He shows her off to all of his friends (with me, he would tell people weren’t ‘really serious. He is now telling people that we were just friends and that I won’t talk to him because I am jealous. I left the situation a month before he started seeing this woman. We were very much a couple. He is telling everyone this is his first real girlfriend in years. WHAT THE HELL? I am sorry, but I think in some cases, the Narc DOES treat the new girl better if he REALLY wants to be with her. I think he was just with me because he couldn’t find anyone better in his mind. Now he has! How do I get past this????

I was with someone who exhibited narcissistic traits, fortunately it ended and didn’t last too long before I knew something was up. He was in a desperate financial situation and jumped into a relationship with his female friend who is paying rent as he was kicked out of his house and was jobless. I tried to go no contact, but he continued to talk to me. I have now blocked him, but in the time he was talking to me he was trying to continue a (physical) relationship with me on the side. Nothing happened but I do have loads of texts of him talking poorly about her and trying to hook up with me. My question is, should I try to anonymously tell her what he is doing and has done? Or is it too risky as far as what he will do to me if he knows it’s me? I feel guilty knowing what he is doing and knowing how it will end and that nothing he says is true or genuine.

Mind is officially blown! Thank you soooo much for writing this article! For years, I couldn’t understand the dynamics of my divorce (long story short, my ex cheated [I think he caught on that I no longer wanted to shoulder his responsibilities/carrying the relationship, I no longer thought of him as an equal because he didn’t want to act like an adult and I grew sick and tired of having a sexless marriage] and left me for another woman [i.e. “new supply” although I am aware that he did cheat with other women before she became the main target] who believed I was “abusing” him and she was the “key to coming out of his depression.” [She sent a “please take me back letter” to my house]).

He claimed he wanted a divorce because he was in love with her but didn’t file the initial papers, ditched the meeting we scheduled to discuss the divorce and would either make up lies or take back agreements that were steps towards finalizing everything.

Because he was dragging his feet and saying he was “trying his best,” she became WAY too involved in ensuring we were divorced so they could marry. They showed up at my job to persuade me to sign some laughable non-legal document that they printed off of their printer requesting a divorce. They filed papers so that we appeared in court nearly every month of one calendar year to go over issues that were discussed/resolved long ago. He blatantly ignored court-ordered alimony payments and had to have his wages garnished [even though he was financially capable of making the payments, he refused out of spite or perhaps to get further attention. Probably frowned upon by his boss/HR rep at his job]. Poor thing. She even said she “wished she didn’t have to get involved” and tried to convince me to “move on with my life” even though he was the one who was clearly delaying the process.

I was furious with him for the betrayal and at her for her lack of respect of my marriage. Nevertheless, this article made me realize that this life event was indeed an amazing blessings in disguise.

He tried to make me envious of their “perfect relationship” by flaunting the things he knew I wanted by giving her those things. I tried to figure out what it was that she had that I didn’t to better frame the infidelity and why she may have been “more deserving” of receiving those things that I didn’t [I am 1000% I want those things but NOT from him and his “gifts” are conditional and lack value].

Surprisingly, we have a lot in common. We both have the same nurturing/caring/polite personality, we both were very captivated by his charm, we both have the same education level, etc. although I will say I am more physically attractive than she is.

But, this article has opened my eyes to the fact that this was all a charade, a facade even. I dodged a major bullet by having this happen to me relatively young in life [and without having children with him] so I have the luxury of being with a man [not a boy, not a guy but a real man] better suited for me and deserving of me.

What was once the source of deep rooted fury and resentment is now the cathartic sense of empathy, sympathy and relief. From this experience, I have become stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been able to do things and see the world that was often closed off to me by the controlling strings of a puppet master.

Every day, I am thankful I take absolutely no part in a relationship that started off with dishonesty, manipulation, lies, liabilities and infidelity. I count my blessings I do not have to deal with their co-dependent, dysfunctional, parent/child marriage plagued with his narcissism (i.e. playing victim, not taking responsibility for himself/his business, his entitlement, and basically wanting another mother instead of a partner) and her desperation/insecurity (i.e. defending/loving/caring for a known liar, cheater, coward [she knows he spoke badly about her behind her back (i.e. calling her crazy, stalker and twisting things in her head)] and just dead weight.

I gasped reading the last paragraph. Do you know my ex ?! I guess I’m one of the lucky ones – our relationship turned long distance and I’m glad that helped me to end it recently.

Hi Kim, I am very intrigued and thankful I found your website. I relocated my life and everything to be with the person who I was going to marry. But instead, I’ve been discarded big time. I was in the relationship on / off for 4 years. It started as long distance then I relocated. Now, I can’t up and leave and I have no friends. Apparently, my ex bf went online and met someone else, she is doing the same thing I did commute – and he’s driving / flying to see her also. Lives 4 hrs away. Sooo, same pattern what he did to me – always belittled me – has money – never done anything nice for me. I am shocked that he is now carrying on another long-distance relationship. I feel he is treating her so much better – they’ve been seeing each other for 31/2 months now. He was flying her in and now she is driving to stay with him. He has not been active online at all, and I know he wants to get married. Is it love or just a new supply on a honeymoon stage. I feel something will come out of this. He really wanted to get married. But, he basically kicked me to the curb. I’m devastated – and know it’s a tough break from a narcissist.

Hi Kim,

I stumbled upon your post while looking for answers and am SO glad that I did. I just recently learned what Narcissism is. I’d been through so much pain and emotional trauma for the past 3 years, being involved with a narc, you have no idea how relieved I am, knowing what I do now.

He was a chronic attention and praise seeker who was incapable of empathy, lashed out at me for being upset for valid reasons, constantly turned things around to make them look like they were my fault, abused me verbally and emotionally, demanded sex when HE wanted it (he’s a sex addict and alcoholic) and called me ‘boring’ and ‘hopeless’ whenever I said no, and always made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

Later on, I found out he started seeing someone else behind my back. He cheated on his ex to be with me, so this was no surprise to me. I told him to get lost. She chose to stay with him. Immediately, he announced that he was in a relationship with her on Facebook. But unlike me, he gave his new supply everything he refused to give me: Acknowledging her as his partner, love-bombing her on social media, and professing his undying love and devotion to her to the media (she’s a popular athlete) when she was recovering from an accident.

I used to wonder why he never chose me, and now I know why: She goes to his church, is a respected, popular personality, and therefore, suits his profile of the ideal partner who can help elevate his own popularity. Just after 5 months of dating, he asked her to marry him.

But…he started hitting on me and begging me to sleep with him while she was in hospital and hasn’t stopped since, all while neglecting to tell me that they were engaged. I had to hear it from a friend. Now it looks like he’s looking to cheat on his new supply.

Wow. What a nasty surprise she is in for down the road. I’m so glad to be free.

Thank you for helping me lift the heavy cloud that’s been hovering over me for the longest time.

Wide Awake.

Yeah, I had another run in with a narc. He is more of the “poor me” mooch type though. Screwed me out of money, but I got a little comeuppance. Narcissists need people around them who believe their bullshit. So I let one of his “supplies” know all was not right with this ex, he owes me money and I’m exiting stage left but he needs his friends to get his shit sorted. I don’t associate with these people but I’m know he’s quite embarrassed. At the very least, it’ll plant a seed in the friend’s mind – watch your back around this guy.

My ex and I were together 18 years on and off. He left me for one of his numerous affairs and they have been together for 5 months. He informed me they are getting married in 3 months and I showed zero emotion to his news. He has been constantly trying to push my buttons since his big reveal of his wedding date. Today he called me and asked if he needs security at his wedding to make sure I dont cause problems! ! I have left him and her completely alone and I only speak to him about our children. I dont understand why he keeps trying to play games with me…
He’s getting married so why won’t he just stop being so cruel to me?

I’ve been married to a narcissist for 9 years. We have 4 small children. He’s had affairs. A few weeks ago he once again left because he wasn’t “happy”. A week later he said we should go to couples therapy. We went together once. It is there where I found out this last affair was almost 4 years long. She’s married with 2 kids. She’s still with her husband. I don’t think he knows. Well he is still going to therapy on his own. I am too. We are not living together. I’m sure he’s about to file for divorce. He has left and asked to come back at least 4 times throughout our marriage. If narcissist discard people, then why did he last so long with this other woman?

They just love the triangulating thing. I have limited contact with my ex Narc since we are business associates and it is like an exercise in Narcissism 101. My boundaries have to be super strong since he would do anything to drag me in his web. He told me about his new flame several months back. I can tell he enjoyed it since he never got over the fact that I moved on. He also couldn’t get over that I never fell for his hoovers again after so many years. He was feeling so puffed up from his hot new girlfriend he actually had the nerve to ask me out for drinks. “just as friends” mind you. I laughed in his face. I really think he wanted to brag more. I just couldn’t believe the gall!!!!! He was parading around all over town with his young flashy hottie on his arm. Meanwhile he was trying to make contact with me more than ever!! I literally had to tell him to only call me for business because I have no interest in being his confidante. Well he called recently on the “guise” of business but then proceeded to tell me they broke up and it got real ugly. Shocking LOL I actually saw him as this pathetic emotional cripple and listened. Have to give this new flame credit. She dumped him flat after he tried a silent treatment to control her. Not that he will introspect a bit about the relationship. I am sure after he licks his wounds he will find a new victim. They really are very predictable creatures.

Thank you thank you thank you…I needed to to read that as my narc has a new girlfriend and let me know it…we have been broken up for a year I feel bad for her I hope she doesn’t waste as much time as I did

Great post. I don’t really feel sorry for the new supply. She is getting what I think she wanted, a family, so it’s all good. In return, she makes him look like a family man, serving to negate the fact that he left another family. I don’t know if it is also meant to make me look “alone” but I’m sure that’s an added benefit — at least in his mind. It’s all spectacle. To me, I’m free.

<3 Blessings to you, dear Kim. This is exactly what I have and am going through. He moved out, 1 year this month DIRECTLY in with her. A $2,000.00 ring on her finger, 3 days later.. we're separated. Talk about grandiose thinking, he was overheard of them going to Ireland getting married, then coming back to the U.S. for a BIG party.. WOOO.. He left me, 2 months after our daughter was married.. All I can say is, this poor gal hasn't a clue, of TRUTH.. I'll pray for her, not warn her, it wouldn't do me any good, any way.. she's only believing what he says.. Thanks again, for this awesome post

Narcissists are attracted to attractive people, but not for the same reasons we are. Beautiful people make them look good by association. – Ah thats why he always said to me – we look great together!